I am Jamaica's husband, Foursquare's comm director, Personality's founder, and a catalyst for CFCC.
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January 4, 2008
Illegitimate Indiscretion
Filed under: Rant
Jamaica and I always get into some sort of debate when it comes to feelings. The debate is not new and definitely not new to male+female relationships. Last night we were talking about how some feelings are just not appropriate. It bugs me when people can get away with feelings that they should not be having because the premise is incorrect. I am not questioning whether the feeling is a real feeling, but whether the feeling should be there in the first place.
For example, when a child is told he can't have ice cream because he didn't eat his dinner, and the child becomes angry when everyone else is eating ice cream, that feeling is unwarranted because he could have avoided it. When an employee is elated after a co-worker gets corrected, that feeling is wrong because we should not be giddy at the expense of someone else.
I suggest that these types of feelings are born out of illegitimate indiscretion.
Again, the feeling is real but the basis for it is wrong.
When I say something stupid, mean or hurtful and Jamaica responds as if I don't love her, that feeling she has is illegitimate indiscretion because she knows I really love her. This doesn't justify my mistake, but it certainly makes dealing with it a little easier because now we have two issues to work through. A dumb mouth and unwarranted feelings.
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Comments
Brad,
I look at feelings as indicators but not sins in themselves. Like the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26) "In your anger do not sin." It's not having feelings(like anger) that are wrong, it's how you handle them. In my opinion, mature people are ones who learn to handle their feelings, not deny them as "illegitimate".
In your example, when a child is told he can't have ice cream because he didn't eat his dinner, and the child becomes angry when everyone else is eating ice cream naturally will be feeling bad about the consequences of being punished for not eating dinner. The feeling is legitimate. It truly stinks to not get ice cream when everyone else does. The the feeling is not "unwarranted", though the kid's response to the feeling may be.
Denying or suppressing feelings, and not examining them and learning to manage emotions is a sign of immaturity and may also lead to some kinds of mental illness.
Posted by: Chris at January 5, 2008 8:28 AM
I completely agree with you Chris. Sometime I forget that others actually read my rants, particularly on my "personal" blog. I meant what I said to be more rant and less reason. I do believe emotions are real and they are helpful and that God wired us with them to deal with life's journey. We shouldn't deny or suppress feelings and emotions--that is childish you're right.
Posted by: Brad Abare at January 5, 2008 9:36 AM
Yeah, but how do you feel about it?
I figured that was what you thought, but wanted to chime in. Mainly because that is one of the life lessons I learned from being married with kids. As a male, I have learned I have to make myself stop and examine my feelings.
When I was younger I used to overly gripe about when the kids were messy or misbehaved. After examining my own feelings, I learned more or less I was reacting to how I felt when I was a kid and not so much to how my kids were acting.It helped me learn to lighten up and roll with letting kids be kids.
Posted by: chris at January 5, 2008 10:49 AM